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Ladda Boonmee - "If you don't forgive yourself, you will not be able to move on"


I would like to share with you my story about forgiveness.

I used to be a person that can be angry very easily and I didn’t let go of resentments very easily.

Then I felt like I had so much anger inside of me, I didn’t like it. But I didn’t know how to let go. And one day was time for... I had to change.

Here’s the thing: I lost my parents when I was very young. My parents passed away when I was a teenager. And my brother took the responsibility to take care of me and my two younger sisters. He took care of us very closely.

I love him dearly but sometimes I didn’t want to follow his rules. And it came to the point that he was mad at me, I was mad at him. And I could not forgive him. And I didn’t want to talk to him for about two or three months, or sometimes one or two months. It depended on how I felt.

I didn’t feel like… necessary to apologize or go back to talk to him at that moment.. until I felt better, so I would talk to him after I felt better. I never tried to feel better sooner or wanted to make up the time so we can have a more precious time together. Until one day he had a heart attack, and I was so afraid that I could lose him forever. Because now I had no parents and then I was going to lose him as well. And that made me shift my thinking that I lost so much precious time with him.

If the doctor could not save his life, I’d probably had no chance to apologize to tell him how much I love him. To say thank you to him for what he has done to me for a long period of time.

I was keeping thinking about this two or three hours when I was waiting the doctor in front of the emergency room. And I kept praying along the way that if the doctor was able to save my brother’s life, that I would change, I would find the way to make up the time together with him. And then I was lucky because eventually the doctor was able to save my brother’s life.

After that, I had changed completely, I studied about forgiveness, I practiced about forgiveness, I wanted to have more precious time with him as much as I can. More importantly, I learned how to listen to him more than before and I looked through his madness into his heart instead. And what I found, like, when people behave aggressively toward you, deep down inside of them they love you so much. They wanted to do something that makes you have a better life. But somehow people didn't know how to approach. They didn't know how to express their love. That's something we need to learn more about that.

After that, my brother and I had many precious time together. We spent a lot of time together and every time we came up to the point that we disagree with each other, instead of trying to fight with him or trying to say "no I didn't want to do that", I changed to... I'd be more patient, I'd listen to him until he finished and then I explained to him why I didn't want to do that and why I wanted to do this way instead of following his rules or follow this thing he wanted me to do. And then, he became the person that... more calmer? He was more patient with me too because he had to listen to me and it became like both of us figured it out how we both can communicate effectively to each other. I forgave him when he was mad at me and then he forgave me when I was mad at him. And we came to the point when both of us understood each other.

We had such a good time together, we spent time together more than it's never been before... until three years later...

— Ok you need to cut it out... I got the emotion... —

Until three years later, he had another heart attack...

— Ok I take a long pause... —

Ok, then he passed away.

He passed away three years later.

I was regretting that I didn't know about forgiveness sooner, I was blaming myself that why for a long period of time, I didn't know about this and I lost so much precious time with him before I discovered and I had only three years with him.

And then it came up to look into myself and I needed to forgive myself too. Then I realized, forgiveness is not just about others, it's also about yourself.

If you could not forgive yourself for your mistakes in the past then you could not move on.

And for me, I got stuck for so many years that I blamed myself, that I should have more time with my brother if i knew about forgiveness sooner, and then after I studied about forgiveness more and more because I wanted to share with the world that you need to forgive people especially the people you love the most or the people who love you the most, it became ... it became something that reflects into myself and it became something more valuable in myself too because I discovered that I need to forgive myself as well.

Because, if you don’t forgive yourself, then you will not be able to move on, you will not be able to help others from your whole heart.

And I found that fact after I read a book and then I practiced meditation for ten days as well, and when I knew this, after I was able to forgive myself that by those time because I had no knowledge, I didn't understand about this fact that's why I behaved like that. But I changed after I knew the fact that, that lesson I should share with other people as well.

Then I found another energy inside of me that I've never found before. It took me to another level of... of my life that I see myself more clearly, and I also see others more clearly. When people behave inappropriately toward me, I was able to forgive them so easily because I knew that some parts of them, because they didn't know all the fact that they didn't suppose to do that. And some parts of them they might got hurt from someone else that they transferred that, that pain to me. It was a so valuable lesson in my life.

Therefore I would like to encourage people to be able to forgive others and also yourself because the benefit of forgiveness is so much more than you cannot imagine. You'll have more productivity because of forgiveness and you will be more peaceful when you are able to forgive.

If you have something that you think is a problem, try forgiveness, I strongly believe that forgiveness is one of the most essential solutions in any problems in your life.

No matter whether you have a problem with relationship with your family or coworkers or your friends or even people that you haven't met before that do something bad to others and you found anger inside. But if you're able to forgive and look deep down to the roots that cause the people to behave that way, you will be able to forgive.

Now, I would like to share with you a very simple step that you can forgive yourself and others very easily every day.

I do practice this every morning when I wake up, I would check myself, maybe just one or two minutes every morning to see how I feel today. Do I feel angry with someone? Do I feel bitterness or resentment with anyone or even myself? If I have that ... if I have that feeling, that morning, what I usually do is to take a moment to myself only one or two minutes in the morning. Then I will picture that situation again and to feel how I felt, to feel that anger and then after that, I will release that anger and picture that person in front of me or picture myself in front of me, and look through the cause that why I behave like that or why that people behave like that to me.

For example, if… someone cut off my face while I was driving, I was so mad and then I would see that person in front of me and then I was thinking why. Probably, he was in the rush to take his wife to the hospital or probably he wanted to go to work on time or he probably didn't see me that I was behind him. And then, when we try to imagine what it could be to that person that behave inappropriately toward us, then we are able to forgive that people or that person very easily, especially ourself.

Some day I made a big mistake at work, that I felt so bad, and I was so mad at myself but then when I pictured myself in the morning for one or two minutes and when I looked through that, I didn't intend to make the mistake, I didn't know what it would be after I did that. I did my very best every day but somehow we are human, we could make a mistake then I was able to forgive myself at that morning.

Therefore, I would like all of you to try this strategy, it's so simple but it's very effective, and then when you are able to forgive yourself and others, your day will be amazing, you will have more energy throughout the day and you will be happy for the rest of the day.

I encourage all of you to try, learn more about forgiveness, and be able to forgive people around you and also yourself.

About Ladda

David Fisher profile picture

Ladda was transformed from a very shy girl to a multiple award winning speaker, TEDx Coach, Public speaking instructor and Voice Story Speaker. Now she is a founder of “Speak For Success”. Ladda integrated her experiences with shyness into public speaking strategy to help so many people to be more confident and to use their power on the stage.

You can connect with Ladda through her website and social media pages:

Instagram — @krupda_ladda.boonmee

Facebook — @krupda.speakforsuccess

About Spoken Out Stories

Spoken Out Stories is a video series about helping people who went and/or are going through what a lot of people consider as a hard experience, and don’t see a way out to move on with their life. It is about sharing inspiring and moving stories of different people who come from different parts of the World, and tell us how they move forward with determination and optimism despite what they went through. It is about giving another perspective, another point of view on issues that can't be solvable with a bandage. It is telling people through these inspiring stories that you are enough, that you are worthy, that you are NOT alone and that it is okay to feel the way you feel. It is about putting a spotlight on people who speak out about their vulnerabilities in order to empower and support others in their pain.

You can connect with Spoken Out Stories through these social media pages:





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